The Hard Questions

1. What have you learned to appreciate about me that you didn’t know when we first married? (Or first became a couple.)

2. What have you learned that irritates, upsets, or frightens you?

3. Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together? The amount of time we spend separately?

4. Have we had any major life shocks? If so, what did we learn about ourselves, each other, our relationship?

5. What dreams or expectations did we have about married life? Which have been fulfilled and which have not?

6. What have I given up for you? How do I feel about it?

7. What have you given up for me? How do you feel?

8. At what times have we felt happiest together?

9. Is our sexual connection satisfying to you? To me?

10. How do we manage when desire levels differ? [Note: “Though this is a very real and common issue, it’s very difficult to discuss,” says Piver. “Still, it’s worth acknowledging such differences if they exist.”]

11. Where are you feeling content in your life? Our life?

12. How much money do we have now? How much did we think we would have at this point?

13. How much money do we wish we had? How much do we want in five years? Ten years? Are we planning for retirement?

14. How much is each of us contributing to our financial health? (In dollars, or otherwise.) Is each person’s contribution acceptable to the other?

15. Are we preparing for our parents’ aging and death? (Emotionally, financially, spiritually.)

16. Are we in agreement about having children, raising them, educating them?

17. If we have children, have we explained to them about sex, death, God? Are we comfortable with how we’ve dealt with these topics? How are they doing with these explanations?

18. How have we learned to cope with the normal, day-to-day irritations of married life? How could we handle them even better?

19. Do we feel more emotionally connected than we did early in our relationship?

20. How would we define love now? How does it compare with what we thought love was when we married?