Now, after six years of marriage, our questions are different, but it’s part of the same process: Figuring out how to translate our love for each other into a life we both love.

You don’t like the concept of relationships as “work,” so why “hard” questions?
Whenever I read “Relationships take work,” I always thought, “Uh, no thanks.” To me, that meant things like scheduling time for sex, “date nights,” and pretending to be nice even when I wanted to shriek. Things that felt really fake.

With the questions, the “work” of being truthful with each other was hard, but it certainly wasn’t phony. It has given our relationship a very healthy edginess– not the kind that comes from jealousy and fights, but the kind that comes from trying to meet every circumstance with awareness and skillful honesty.

Every circumstance?
Well, except when we’re just tired of trying, and ignore each other. Sometimes we retreat to our corners. But the questions help us to reconnect, when we’re ready.

When is the best time to ask these questions?
For some, a crisis may precipitate the conversation. For others, it may be a feeling of taking each other for granted, even a tiny bit. Anniversaries are a great time to reflect and take a pulse. If you try to have this conversation too early, you’ll know–the questions will sound silly. And there’s no such thing as “too late,” but the longer you let troublesome issues stew, the harder it will be.